I was recently sent this story and was told the first person they thought of was me. What gives? How dare they think I would do something like this. Read and enjoy.
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Safeway grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Save on Foods. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Later.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Beer, Liberals and Conservatives
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be copied and sent immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off. Later.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be copied and sent immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off. Later.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Two fun packed weekends in a row
Last weekend, the wife and I stayed the weekend in Houston. We went to Kemah Boardwalk Saturday and to the Gulfway Greyhound track Saturday night. Followed up with some shopping and fine dining on the way home Sunday. The wife’s birthday was Sunday so we decided to get out and do something. Here is the Beast boat ride we rode.
Here are some stingrays the wife is feeding.
This past Friday, July 25, we got some POISON tickets from a friend. 80’s RULE! The four of us went and watched Poison perform and Grand Casino Coushatta; followed by a little gambling. After cutting the grass Saturday morning, the wife and I cleaned house. We went through two closets and the den making room for the treadmill and workout station. We threw out all sorts of shit we have been storing for no damn reason. Right at the end of cleaning, I had to get ready to go and pick my mom up. You see, a couple of months ago, I decided to take my parents out, one at a time, and do something with them; just the two of us. A few weeks ago I took my dad and this past Saturday I took my mom. We went to a local steakhouse and then the movies followed up by church services at her church in Ragley.
Now I am sitting here at the office playing on the internet and bidding on e-bay. The wife and I came here to throw out all the empty boxes and things we didn’t want anymore and pick up the treadmill and workout station I have been storing at the shop. Later.
Here are some stingrays the wife is feeding.
This past Friday, July 25, we got some POISON tickets from a friend. 80’s RULE! The four of us went and watched Poison perform and Grand Casino Coushatta; followed by a little gambling. After cutting the grass Saturday morning, the wife and I cleaned house. We went through two closets and the den making room for the treadmill and workout station. We threw out all sorts of shit we have been storing for no damn reason. Right at the end of cleaning, I had to get ready to go and pick my mom up. You see, a couple of months ago, I decided to take my parents out, one at a time, and do something with them; just the two of us. A few weeks ago I took my dad and this past Saturday I took my mom. We went to a local steakhouse and then the movies followed up by church services at her church in Ragley.
Now I am sitting here at the office playing on the internet and bidding on e-bay. The wife and I came here to throw out all the empty boxes and things we didn’t want anymore and pick up the treadmill and workout station I have been storing at the shop. Later.
Friday, July 25, 2008
I be a student again
Well, I have gone and done it again. I signed up for the fall semester last week at Sowela. I have been watching the class schedules for the last year waiting for a class to come along that I needed. The curriculum has changed since I last attended in 2005. I no longer need SPEECH. Hooray! I would be one pissed off sumbitch if I had already taken SPEECH and it is not required. I will be going to school three nights a week this fall. Later.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Clogged ear
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Later.
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Later.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My little ole theory on gas prices
Here is my theory on why the gas prices are the way they are. It is simple and logical. President Bush wants them to be high. Think about it folks. Who has promoted local oil drilling more than Bush? Who would gain the most form local drilling? Bush may not own an oil rig (or maybe he does) but I guarantee he is on the list for kickbacks along with his side kick Dick.
Now what is an effect way to promote local drilling? Make the current situation so miserable that ALL of America, even the tree huggers, is begging to drill off the coast of California. Who gives a shit about some damn bird in Alaska that no one will ever see? No one lives there anyway. Polar bears will have scraps to eat from the workers.
I say pop a hole anywhere there is enough land to set up an oil rig. The money brought into the local community will far outweigh the unsightly oil rig; and imagine that $150 a barrel revenue staying stateside.
Now there are those that say it is not the governments fault. Bullshit. When Microsoft tried to dominate they shut his ass down and claimed he was trying to make a monopoly. When Wal-Mart tried the same thing happened and they shut their ass down also. The government has ways through tariffs and embargos that would make the oil suppliers overseas change their way of thinking. They buy crap from us just like we buy oil from them. But Bush doesn’t want that. He wants local drilling; and so do I. But not at the cost of $150 a barrel oil for three or four years.
I say get the oil prices down now and start drilling in our own back yards now. There is an oil rig a few miles down the road from my house. It doesn’t bother me a bit. It gives off a wonderful glow at night. Plus the workers are pumping money into my local economy keeping my taxes lower.
Do you folks on the beach that don’t want to look at an offshore oil rig honestly think that the folks of Lake Charles, Sulphur, Westlake, Port Author, etc… like to look at the plants and refinery’s everyday? You bet your sweet ass we do. Not because the refinery looks better than a forest with deer and birds and shit but because it means local good paying jobs. I offer my front yard to anyone who wants to put up an oil rig. Hell, I will even hook the power up for you. I won’t be able to see the oil rig from all the money I will have piled in front of me. Screw the squirrels; they taste like shit anyway. Later.
Now what is an effect way to promote local drilling? Make the current situation so miserable that ALL of America, even the tree huggers, is begging to drill off the coast of California. Who gives a shit about some damn bird in Alaska that no one will ever see? No one lives there anyway. Polar bears will have scraps to eat from the workers.
I say pop a hole anywhere there is enough land to set up an oil rig. The money brought into the local community will far outweigh the unsightly oil rig; and imagine that $150 a barrel revenue staying stateside.
Now there are those that say it is not the governments fault. Bullshit. When Microsoft tried to dominate they shut his ass down and claimed he was trying to make a monopoly. When Wal-Mart tried the same thing happened and they shut their ass down also. The government has ways through tariffs and embargos that would make the oil suppliers overseas change their way of thinking. They buy crap from us just like we buy oil from them. But Bush doesn’t want that. He wants local drilling; and so do I. But not at the cost of $150 a barrel oil for three or four years.
I say get the oil prices down now and start drilling in our own back yards now. There is an oil rig a few miles down the road from my house. It doesn’t bother me a bit. It gives off a wonderful glow at night. Plus the workers are pumping money into my local economy keeping my taxes lower.
Do you folks on the beach that don’t want to look at an offshore oil rig honestly think that the folks of Lake Charles, Sulphur, Westlake, Port Author, etc… like to look at the plants and refinery’s everyday? You bet your sweet ass we do. Not because the refinery looks better than a forest with deer and birds and shit but because it means local good paying jobs. I offer my front yard to anyone who wants to put up an oil rig. Hell, I will even hook the power up for you. I won’t be able to see the oil rig from all the money I will have piled in front of me. Screw the squirrels; they taste like shit anyway. Later.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
140 million muslims and 1 blonde
PLANNING WORLD WAR III!!!
President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'
Later.
President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'
Later.
Eat what you want to: you are going to die anyway
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Later.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Later.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The adventures begin
Well, I did it. I bought me a used Harley-Davidson awhile ago. I had a Sportster back in 2003 and I haven’t ridden a motorcycle since then. Well, I purchased the Dyna in Beaumont, Texas right off of I-10. Talk about a step learning curve on how to ride again. I put 73 miles on her since I bought it; and that was just getting it home. Tomorrow I plan to tinker. (click on the pictures to make them larger) Later.
Monday, July 07, 2008
The moving wall
Saturday the wife and I went to Deridder to see the “moving wall”. It is a half-size replica of the Vietnam War Memorial. It was only on display one time in Louisiana this year and it happened to be on the Independence Holiday weekend. What an honor for Deridder. The first picture is a close up of some random names. The second is a further back view and the third is the overall view. It starts with a single name and ends with a single name. They also had several guns, vehicles, and other artifacts on display. Worth the trip to see. Click on the pictures to make them larger. Later.
Weekend adventure
Here is a picture of the truck with the four wheelers. The wife and I went riding Saturday and Sunday at the deer lease. We put a little over 20 miles on the trails. Later.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Harley jokes
What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
The Harley has room for two dirt bags on board.
Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
To be able to tell if they're moving or not!
How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
Both have pricks on their back.
Later.
Sturgis!
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
The Harley has room for two dirt bags on board.
Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
To be able to tell if they're moving or not!
How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
Both have pricks on their back.
Later.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
New versus used
I have said in the past that I was looking for a used motorcycle. But check this out: 1994 FXDL for $10,500. This bike is 14 years old. It is a good looking bike. But the seals, bearings, motor, transmission are all 14 years old. This bike brand new, 2008 model, is $14,995. Bigger engine, newer technology- there ain’t no way my ass is paying that much money for used when new is not that much more. And this is not the only one out there. That is the first one I found. I have been looking at the Harley Davidson Dyna Super Glide. They start at $11,995. Only 2 grand more than most used Harleys are going for. I am damn close to driving my ass down there and getting one. They had two in stock Monday. I can almost feel the wind and the rumble of the 96 cubic inch V-Twin, fire breathing motor roaring going down the open road. Later.
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